the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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