My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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