I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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