everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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