I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
