my phone needs a breathalizer
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
