OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
