well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
