Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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