dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
