omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Randomize
