he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
