My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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