My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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