I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
