I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
