Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
