I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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