i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
