She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
