$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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