Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
