i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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