I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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