I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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