it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
