Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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