Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now