even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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