and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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