I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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