this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize