The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
