Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's shark week go big or go home
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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