He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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