I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
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he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
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What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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