I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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