who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
