They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
