obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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