he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
