We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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