I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
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I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
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In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize