Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I can't turn off my feet"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
