I want to have your abortion
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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