Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
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UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
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I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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