Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
