Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
