Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Still dying that you shit outside
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize