Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
