I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
