sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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