So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
