the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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