and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
