Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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