I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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