Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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