Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
