Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
